Running in Circles

I think that those things I have done do constitute me as a good friend. Considering the person I am trying to be a friend for can't seem to make up their mind about whether or not they want to be my friend in the first place.

I have tried to find ways and excuses to see you myself but I usually either talk myself out of it or you don't seem to want to have anything to do with it. Mostly, I feel because if you can't do something on your own terms then you don't want to have anything to do with it at all so I figure why bother cause Ill just get shot down anyways. Yeah we have awkward clunky conversations but that's cause I can tell there is something that you want to say most of the time that your afraid to say to me. You know that I am pretty good at picking up on those kinds of things, and that I have never had a problem with awkwardness or hard conversations. I have some reservations when I am around you but I try and be myself and act like everything is normal cause thats how I would like them to be. I always told you that I am a bluntly honest person and you always agreed that was how it should be yet you hold things back and end conversations before they are done. By this point I think you and I have gone through enough shit that hurting my feelings or pissing me off are old news and not really gonna matter anyways.

You talk about being a good friend and that part of that is having to be disrespectful and telling one another that, also being completely honest and making one another better people. As well as saying they are there for you no matter what no questions asked. Not having to be asked to be there just being there, well I gave you over a year of that whatever you needed whenever you needed most often when you didn't even ask me to do those things for you and I never expected anything in return just the simple gratitude of knowing that I was doing something for someone that I cared about and knew would appreciate the things I was doing for them. Yet somehow all those things get forgotten. I've seen you at your absolute worst and best and I was there through them both. You expect me to be that same guy I was in the past but the trouble is I can't be that guy because you have someone else there that is supposed to do those things for you. Yeah good friends do go to great lengths to help out those that they care about but there are certain boundaries involved that you don't cross because that's not their role to play.

You expect me to still do those things and go to such great lengths to please you and be a great friend to you yet I don't see those things being reciprocated. Well then why don't you start living by your own rules? How do you think that its fair an equal for you to expect that of me when you don't give that yourself? I have tried pretty hard to be a good friend and to keep that bridge up between us but it gets to be really hard to keep those things up when you feel like your energy is wasted on a person who doesn't want the same from you despite what they have been saying.

How do you expect a friendship to grow and be healthy if you don't hold yourself to the expectations you have of others? when it seems like there are two sets of rules: One set for you and One set for everyone else. I don't think that I have tried my hardest but I can't give everything to a friendship if there are reservations on the side of the other person that they haven't expressed in the first place, or are unwilling to express. Its like you said you have to be honest about things to make them work, well I would appreciate you being honest with me and telling me what makes you feel unready about giving me your best, and what things you should have said when in the room with me, and then maybe we can move forward from this.

Your love will be safe with me...

I understand that this post is a complete 180 from my last post but I really felt like posting this for some reason. I believe in what I was trying to say but don't feel that I will find this soon if ever in my life. True love is something that I think happens in one in a million relationships and when it does its the most beautiful thing in the world the trouble is its so rare that most people never get the chance to even see it. But enough of my negativity here it is:

Love is the best thing that could happen to someone, waking up in the morning and knowing that there is someone out there who is thinking about you just as much as you are thinking about them. Who can't wait to get through all the days activities just to have that 5 or 10 minutes with that person who makes you feel comfortable and happy and warm, Who makes all your cares, wants, fears and worries go away for that short time because there is nothing else out there that you could want or care for more in your life other than to just feel that person next to you and know that they would be there for you for anything, and need you to do the same for them.

A song for someone who needs somewhere to long for...

So I haven't posted on here in a while and was feeling like I should. I have been feeling really antisocial and independent as of late and not really wanting to be around people in general. Not really sure where thats coming from but as for now I am just gonna run with it. I know that this has and may be hurting some people's feelings but I really don't know what to do about that. Since the beginning of the year I have been trying to keep my distance from people, I think because I am scared to let anyone back in to the extent of where I have let others in the past. However the more I try to stay away the more people seem to want be around me and hang out. I never thought I'd be this way in my entire life but the more I am single the more it just seems to be making sense to me that if I don't let anyone in to close then I can't get hurt. Although in the long run this may not be a good thing it may end up scaring and pushing a lot of people away in the short run its keeping me safe and sane. Besides the fact that I don't think I have the patience, time, or energy to worry so much about another person. I have a hard enough time looking after myself and keeping up on things. Except at the same time if I didn't have those friends and people wanting to be around me that I would probably go off the deep end. I guess through all of the things that have happened in the past 4-5 months I've realized that 1) If someone doesn't want to be with you then you can't make them. 2) If someone doesn't want to be loved by you or by anyone in general then you can't force them to be. 3)And lastly that no matter what even if those people don't want anyone or anything around them that just being there for someone when they are at their worst can have such a profound positive effect on their life that you may save them from something terrible or even find a great friend that you never Knew existed

On a Magic carpet ride...

So as you may know it is I-week and I am Phi which to those of you who don't fluently speak greek is the ritualist. That means I get to plan and run this whole entire week. Basically I am the boss and the shot caller for a whole week and its kinda nice I am influencing how all of these new guys will see and experience Lambda chi for their next 4 years in college and for the rest of their lives. Ill stop there before my ego swelss any larger and won't fit inside my bedroom. On to what I really came on here to write about in the first place. What I am taking from this whole week. Like I said its I-week and the AM's are learning a ton of stuff about Lambda Chi and life lessons and to be honest I feel like I am geting just as much if not more out of this week then these guys are. The things I have experienced this week are really making me realize how lucky I am as a person to be in the situation I am in. There is always someone worse of than you are and I am making it a personal goal to not complain anymore about the situation I am in. Also another goal of mine is to work as best as I can at all of my personal endeavors and to be as successful as I can be in life. Not waste what god has blessed me with. I also am planning on trying to be a better friend and a better person to those around me even people that I may not necessarily like or be as close with anymore. I dunno what all this is really supposed to me in the long wrong but I just feel like its what I should be doing as a Lambda Chi and as someone who is trying to be a good person.

You never walk alone....

Got to really thinking about things and people in or outta my life and also those who are here or who have left us as well as just how I am feeling as of right now and thought I would try and express that through a playlist although I'm sure it will prolly come out Incoherent as all hell. But who cares cause really you can't go wrong with any of these songs and honestly I could go on forever adding great music to this list.

• Stone Temple Pilots- Interstate Love Song
• Steppenwolf- Magic Carpet Ride
  
• Kings Of Leon- Manhattan
• Cake- Love You Madly
• My Morning Jacket- Wordless Chorus
• Cam'ron feat. Kanye West- Down and Out
• 311- Stealing Happy Hours
• Murs- Can it Be
• Jake One Feat. Freeway and Brother Ali- The truth
• Atmosphere- You
• Young Jeezy- What They Want
• Q-tip- We Fight/Love
  
• Explosions in the Sky- Remember Me as a time of day
• Death Cab for Cutie- I will Posses your Heart
• Motion City Soundtrack- Fell in Love without you
• The Temptations- Just my Imagination
• Radiohead- Knives Out
• Bon Iver- Re: Stacks
• Jack Johnson- Hope
• Zero-7 - Throw it All Away
• Jamiroquai- Space Cowboy
• Daft Punk- Harder Better faster Stronger
• Smashing Pumpkins- Zero
• Snow Patrol- You could be loved
  
• Kanye West- See you in my Nightmares
• Dirty South- Let it go
• T.I. Motivation
• Slum Village- Selfish
• Coldplay- Viva La Vida
  

Vir Quisque Vir

Its always interesting to look back on the things you've done and people you've met along the way. I never thought I would be at the place I am in my life becoming as good of friends with the people I have started to become such good friends with. Mr. Viertel and Myself used to be at odds with one another we basically couldn't even be in the same room with one another without one of us wanting to choke ourselves with the others ego. However in recent months myself and said friend have become quite fond of one another. The man can surely play his ass off on the piano and most certainly knows his way around a party. we have definitely had some crazy conversations about anything and everything most often not sober but many of the non inebriated kind as well. Mr. Benninghoven is another of those people that has really gained much favor in my eyes. He is probably the handiest guy I know he can pretty much fix or work on anything man made. And he is one of the most legit and loyal friends I think I have ever had the pleasure of calling a friend. I'm really glad I met these guys and a million other people just like them. I think college has been the biggest roller coaster of my life and I have enjoyed every second of the ride. I realize I have another year left but I will be the only person left of my initiation class still attending college. Kinda makes me feel like an underacheiver, but i say fuck it you only live once anyways so why not wait another year to grow up? I-week has been going awesomely and I couldn't be happier with the guys that we have going through. I am excited for the future of this fraternity and where these young guys have the possibility to take. I am just glad that I get to be the one who has such a large part in their experience and welcoming into the brotherhood. Like they say "Its NOT four years its FOR LIFE"

Your Reign on the top was Short like Leprechauns...

What I wrote earlier that I didn't have time to post. I know its 3:00 A.M. but I can't sleep and am trying to find things to get myself there. I find that while most people say rap is not music it is one of the hardest things to write an actual good verse too. I'm not talking about that superman or Peanut Butter Jelly time bullshit I'm talking about rap that actually is complicated and layered and has some weight behind it. Like Biggie or Pac and/or especially Common and Talib Kweli. I feel like true Hip-Hop has lost its soul and its guys like Common, Kweli, Q-tip, and Lupe Fiasco who are the ones who can bring it back to what it once was. This verse that I wrote to me is most like a Biggie rhyme its a shame that he is dead cause he was one of the best.

Discoverin there was a line between the real and the fake; but it got smaller; now everyone wanna tote a gun say they the top baller; But can't all these cats be packin heat, makin this block feel like summer and its only november; got on my blue suedes but that shit ain't cheap; comin to me like you want somethin from me, what do i look like honey a tree that grows money get yo own ho; dont make me pull out my nine and cause your body to flatline; Cause I'm on my grind like all the time

Carpe Diem

I feel pretty accomplished right now as I have done quite a bit in the past few days.
1) I knocked out two tests on Friday which I am pretty sure I got A's on both of them
2.) Bought all the Supplies needed for I-Week and talked to and finalized the plans for all that is to be done where and with whom.
3.) hanged a flat tire on my car and fixed my cars stereo.
4.) Put into motion plans for me and the boys to go to Bonnaroo
5.) wrote on this thing everyday since i created
6.) I discovered that Jeff B. is probably the handiest person I have ever met and also one of the coolest.
7.) This week is gonna be the busiest of my life I-week and my last full week of wrestling practice. Its been a long career and I can honestly say that I am excited but also kinda uneasy about not having that consistency in my life anymore.
8) Cute is What We Aim for tonight we'll see how it is. I hope it doesn't suck too badly.

I wrote something else which I dont have the time to post right now but will in the next couple of days.

Do you think about me now and then?

Second post on here thought I would add a picture to lively it up a bit. My sister took this picture with her Camera Phone. Pretty good for a phone. I really miss home and all my friends. There's something about big cities especially my city that just makes me feel like my complete self. You meet new people everyday and no one really seems to care what your dressed like or even what your doing. Its nice cause you be a different person everyday if you want to and no one would be any the wiser to it. This can also have and adverse effect. I think that Ralph Waldo Emerson said it best when he said: “Cities force growth and make people talkative and entertaining, but they also make them artificial.”

Cut and Run

Brand new to this Whole blog thing. Thought I would try it out as I have been quite creative as of late and looking for an outlet to give to my creative juices. I have been drawing which is surely not good enough yet to post on here maybe some pictures in the near future and also writing which I'm not so sure is up to snuff but will post anyways. I wrote this last night at about 3 in morning while taking a break from the PsychoPharmacology and Psych research books.

Its over now can't go back and change the mistakes;
All this work and nothing to show for it;
Just a broken heart and a bill to the state;
It won't get better, things will stay the same

Sick of this feeling;
All they say is ill be just fine;
When all I wanna do is break away and run;
Life's no good when your lookin down the barrel of a gun

So let's go just take of and run;
The world is wide the possibilities endless;
With nothin but time and imaginations to send us;
to places and experiences that will for certain change us