Running in Circles

I think that those things I have done do constitute me as a good friend. Considering the person I am trying to be a friend for can't seem to make up their mind about whether or not they want to be my friend in the first place.

I have tried to find ways and excuses to see you myself but I usually either talk myself out of it or you don't seem to want to have anything to do with it. Mostly, I feel because if you can't do something on your own terms then you don't want to have anything to do with it at all so I figure why bother cause Ill just get shot down anyways. Yeah we have awkward clunky conversations but that's cause I can tell there is something that you want to say most of the time that your afraid to say to me. You know that I am pretty good at picking up on those kinds of things, and that I have never had a problem with awkwardness or hard conversations. I have some reservations when I am around you but I try and be myself and act like everything is normal cause thats how I would like them to be. I always told you that I am a bluntly honest person and you always agreed that was how it should be yet you hold things back and end conversations before they are done. By this point I think you and I have gone through enough shit that hurting my feelings or pissing me off are old news and not really gonna matter anyways.

You talk about being a good friend and that part of that is having to be disrespectful and telling one another that, also being completely honest and making one another better people. As well as saying they are there for you no matter what no questions asked. Not having to be asked to be there just being there, well I gave you over a year of that whatever you needed whenever you needed most often when you didn't even ask me to do those things for you and I never expected anything in return just the simple gratitude of knowing that I was doing something for someone that I cared about and knew would appreciate the things I was doing for them. Yet somehow all those things get forgotten. I've seen you at your absolute worst and best and I was there through them both. You expect me to be that same guy I was in the past but the trouble is I can't be that guy because you have someone else there that is supposed to do those things for you. Yeah good friends do go to great lengths to help out those that they care about but there are certain boundaries involved that you don't cross because that's not their role to play.

You expect me to still do those things and go to such great lengths to please you and be a great friend to you yet I don't see those things being reciprocated. Well then why don't you start living by your own rules? How do you think that its fair an equal for you to expect that of me when you don't give that yourself? I have tried pretty hard to be a good friend and to keep that bridge up between us but it gets to be really hard to keep those things up when you feel like your energy is wasted on a person who doesn't want the same from you despite what they have been saying.

How do you expect a friendship to grow and be healthy if you don't hold yourself to the expectations you have of others? when it seems like there are two sets of rules: One set for you and One set for everyone else. I don't think that I have tried my hardest but I can't give everything to a friendship if there are reservations on the side of the other person that they haven't expressed in the first place, or are unwilling to express. Its like you said you have to be honest about things to make them work, well I would appreciate you being honest with me and telling me what makes you feel unready about giving me your best, and what things you should have said when in the room with me, and then maybe we can move forward from this.